Dear Lulu,

photo 1

I woke up at 2:00 this morning and could hardly breathe as I thought about you.

I wonder who you look like on your 4th birthday.

I wonder if your eyes match the stars in the night.

I wonder if your hair is still dark and gently lays across your forehead.

I wonder who is holding you close.

I think about your brothers and sister, as they run and play. I see you beside them.

Chasing the chickens, throwing September’s tennis ball, riding in the golf cart.

photo 2

If I could have one more squeeze – I would take it in a second.

If I could kiss your sweet little nose – I wouldn’t hesitate.

It has been more difficult, this birthday.

My heart is still raw.

Time is not doing his job very well.


I know my tears are captured in the hand of The One who made this ‘your’ day.

There is hope in front of me.

So, we WILL celebrate you today, Lulu Grace.

With so much pink…

Balloons – the big ones.

Strawberry cheesecake.

And bubbles being blown all over this little city farm.


We will embrace it all.

The brokenness that still plays its part.

The beauty that somehow outshines it all.

And we will hold you closer still.

Happy 4th Birthday, baby girl.

Luvu, mama


5 thoughts on “Dear Lulu,

  1. As a mom and now grandma there is just something about a 4 year old that I just loved. Perhaps…it could be one reason this is a “harder” year? Or maybe there is that knowing deep down that with each passing year (and we know how fast they go!) that those around you will start forgetting this day..or Nov.24th..and it will feel lonelier..tho the One Who holds those tears year after year has hands big enough to keep holding them forever? My dear Cami..I know these exact feelings in a DIFFERENT sort of loss. As just yesterday the 22nd..16 years ago in the early evening I had a loss that forever has changed my life and those around me. I would never compare our losses as no one can experience a loss and its riveting effects in the same way. But one thing many of us can relate to that have experienced a loss..the pain never really goes away it just manifest itself differently sometimes with each passing year. And for some reason yesterday I felt the sting of my loss 16 years ago again..16 years..seems like an eternity. And speaking of eternity..I have a feeling little Lulu might have just jumped off Jesus’ lap for a little bit to go sit on her great uncle Tony’s lap!!!! Happy Birthday Lulu!!!

  2. Cami, no words I could say would soften the hurt in your heart, but just know that I’ll be praying for you and for the heartache to sting with less intensity. I believe with all my heart that Jesus’ return is coming quickly, and at that glorious appearing we’ll be reunited again! You take hope in that, I’m sure, but on days like this, it doesn’t fill the void. Praying blessings over you that “joy and gladness will overtake you, and sorrow and sighing will flee.” -Isaiah 51:11

    Sending love and blessings,
    Jill Steinbrunner

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