yesterday
my name was written in suffering font
yesterday
i chose myself over Him
yesterday
sorrow was my shadow
yesterday
grief clung like the last leaf of fall
today
i want to stay here in His presence
here in His grace
with Him always
today
His grace is reaching out for me
today
my home is no longer here
today
His blood pours out to cover it all
I woke up at 2:00 this morning and could hardly breathe as I thought about you.
I wonder who you look like on your 4th birthday.
I wonder if your eyes match the stars in the night.
I wonder if your hair is still dark and gently lays across your forehead.
I wonder who is holding you close.
I think about your brothers and sister, as they run and play. I see you beside them.
Chasing the chickens, throwing September’s tennis ball, riding in the golf cart.
If I could have one more squeeze – I would take it in a second.
If I could kiss your sweet little nose – I wouldn’t hesitate.
It has been more difficult, this birthday.
My heart is still raw.
Time is not doing his job very well.
But…
I know my tears are captured in the hand of The One who made this ‘your’ day.
There is hope in front of me.
So, we WILL celebrate you today, Lulu Grace.
With so much pink…
Balloons – the big ones.
Strawberry cheesecake.
And bubbles being blown all over this little city farm.
We will embrace it all.
The brokenness that still plays its part.
The beauty that somehow outshines it all.
And we will hold you closer still.
Happy 4th Birthday, baby girl.
Luvu, mama
The scab is torn off once again from a cut that has actually never had the chance to heal.
And maybe it won’t completely heal.
Here.
Heaven feels close today. I want it that way. That way, my focus, is where it needs to be.
Everything has a purpose. A reason.
Even the pain?
Even the pain.
It all is tangled together.
We all came from The Creator who embodies it all. Shouldn’t then everything be mixed within us?
The joy. The hurt. The smiles. The memories. The tears.
My cousin sent this story to me about a little baby boy named Zion. A beautiful little baby boy with T18. I cried through the entire read.
My favorite part was about the parent’s holding onto hope.
For me before Lulu – hope was a dreamy word that spoke of an unknown world for me.
Kind of a “keep-my-fingers-crossed-I-hope”.
Since the honor of being Lulu’s mama, hope has become more of a reality than what I know this “earth home” to be.
It’s an “I-know-that-I-know-that-I-know-hope”.
Our hope of Heaven is close. Closer than we think.
And more real than this messy world can show us.
Luv = Hope
“And the first time that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips did You know that it would change this world forever
And I celebrate the day that You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life”
{Relient K ‘I Celebrate The Day’}
Even Today Was Created By God
Even If It Is A Difficult Day
Even If It Is A Peaceful Day
Even If It Is Both
This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made Let Us Rejoice And Be Glad In It.
Psalm 118:24
Today we are celebrating you, Lulu.
We bought a tree for you and trees for your brothers and sister. We had a beautiful day yesterday and planted your pink weeping cherry tree. Today we will plant the rest and over the years we will watch them as they grow and think about how you are growing in heaven. I can only imagine you would be right in there planting with us. Garden gloves, dirty knees and a big smile.
You certainly fit in with us.
Our strawberry pie is waiting in the refrigerator for after dinner…
and the bubbles will come out tonight.
We’ve got our family pictures scheduled for later this week.
Wow, you keep us busy, just like your big siblings.
I’m glad.
And although time keeps moving forward, we stop where we are and thank God for you.
Happy birthday baby girl.
Luvu.
My friend, Angie, asked me the other day about the book called ‘Heaven is For Real’. Have you read it? SO good. I luv getting glimpses of heaven from other people. Some season’s I read a lot. Simon asked me the other day about 2 different books I am reading, ‘are you reading BOTH of these at the SAME time?’
My go-to devotional…
‘Jesus Calling’ by Sarah Young
It points you to the Savior’s heart and leads you to His word everyday.
And then other season’s I don’t read much at all because I need to apply these things. I am not in a hurry to finish books. {Good thing.} It may take me months to finish a short book.
Just starting this one. ‘Humility’ by CJ Mahaney
This one, ‘Hope for the Weary Mom’ by Stacey Thacker & Brooke McGlothlin, is so much more than just being a tired mama. It covers so many different areas of weariness. They have a blog that has been a great connecting point for me. We, mama’s, are all at different stages with different situations, but we all have 1 King who WILL meet us right where we are {in our mess}.
What book{s} are feeding your soul right now?
What has kept me grounded for two years…
November 24
‘Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks in everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction: you give Me thanks {regardless of your feelings}, and I give you joy {regardless of your circumstances}. This is a spiritual act of obedience – at times, blind obedience. To people who don’t know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties remain. Thankfulness opens your heart to My presence and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective. It is this light of My presence that removes the sting from adversity.’ – Sarah Young ‘Jesus Calling’
We are so very thankful for you, baby girl.
Two years ago, today. The day that I woke up and my daughter did not. Today is the day, the day before Thanksgiving {one of my favorite holiday’s – the day we give thanks}. And even though Lulu’s heaven birthdate is not until Saturday, today is the day that the loss has hit me.
Hard.
Sometimes, it feels like two separate days that we lost her.
I received this email today and wanted to share it. It is the words I feel, but cannot put into words. Thank you, Cindy.
Hi Cami, As I watched you and Janie go forward for prayer Sunday night, I remembered that you have an anniversary date coming up. Again, when I saw you at the preschool Thanksgiving dinner, I recognized the look on your face as my own… the one when you’re trying so hard to be a part of what’s going on around you, but you can’t break through that invisible wall that separates you from everyone else.
There’s not a day or date that goes by that I don’t think of you and miss you, Lulu.
Lulu's Grace 