yesterday and today

yesterday

my name was written in suffering font

yesterday

i chose myself over Him

yesterday

sorrow was my shadow

yesterday

grief clung like the last leaf of fall

Unknown

today

i want to stay here in His presence

here in His grace

with Him always

today

His grace is reaching out for me

today

my home is no longer here

today

His blood pours out to cover it all

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Dear Lulu,

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I woke up at 2:00 this morning and could hardly breathe as I thought about you.

I wonder who you look like on your 4th birthday.

I wonder if your eyes match the stars in the night.

I wonder if your hair is still dark and gently lays across your forehead.

I wonder who is holding you close.

I think about your brothers and sister, as they run and play. I see you beside them.

Chasing the chickens, throwing September’s tennis ball, riding in the golf cart.

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If I could have one more squeeze – I would take it in a second.

If I could kiss your sweet little nose – I wouldn’t hesitate.

It has been more difficult, this birthday.

My heart is still raw.

Time is not doing his job very well.

But…

I know my tears are captured in the hand of The One who made this ‘your’ day.

There is hope in front of me.

So, we WILL celebrate you today, Lulu Grace.

With so much pink…

Balloons – the big ones.

Strawberry cheesecake.

And bubbles being blown all over this little city farm.

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We will embrace it all.

The brokenness that still plays its part.

The beauty that somehow outshines it all.

And we will hold you closer still.

Happy 4th Birthday, baby girl.

Luvu, mama

Today

The scab is torn off once again from a cut that has actually never had the chance to heal.

And maybe it won’t completely heal.

Here.

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Heaven feels close today. I want it that way. That way, my focus, is where it needs to be.

Everything has a purpose. A reason.

Even the pain?

Even the pain.

It all is tangled together.

We all came from The Creator who embodies it all. Shouldn’t then everything be mixed within us?

The joy. The hurt. The smiles. The memories. The tears.

Luv = Hope

My cousin sent this story to me about a little baby boy named Zion. A beautiful little baby boy with T18. I cried through the entire read.

My favorite part was about the parent’s holding onto hope.

For me before Lulu – hope was a dreamy word that spoke of an unknown world for me.

Kind of a “keep-my-fingers-crossed-I-hope”.

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Since the honor of being Lulu’s mama, hope has become more of a reality than what I know this “earth home” to be.

It’s an “I-know-that-I-know-that-I-know-hope”.

Our hope of Heaven is close. Closer than we think. 

And more real than this messy world can show us.

Luv = Hope

Happy 3rd Birthday

Today we are celebrating you, Lulu.

We bought a tree for you and trees for your brothers and sister. We had a beautiful day yesterday and planted your pink weeping cherry tree. Today we will plant the rest and over the years we will watch them as they grow and think about how you are growing in heaven. I can only imagine you would be right in there planting with us. Garden gloves, dirty knees and a big smile.

You certainly fit in with us.

tree1

tree2

trees

Our strawberry pie is waiting in the refrigerator for after dinner…

and the bubbles will come out tonight.

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We’ve got our family pictures scheduled for later this week.

Wow, you keep us busy, just like your big siblings.

I’m glad.

And although time keeps moving forward, we stop where we are and thank God for you.

Happy birthday baby girl.

Luvu.

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