Category: lulu

This week

This week my mind is all over the place. This week is already heavy with memories from a year ago that are keeping me from the moment. This week my mind is crammed with thoughts and leaving no room for much else. This week, a year ago, consisted of dedicating our daughter, a doctor’s appointment, a lot of snuggling, a nurse check-up, a night out for mama & daddy, a good-bye that we never wanted to say. This week takes me to a place I haven’t completely let myself go.

This week is here.

This week He is with me.

This week His promises are still true.

This week I WILL rest in His presence.

This week His peace will be sufficient for me.

This week He is good.

This week He holds my daughter,

and He holds me.

Trust

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,

{not just part of it, Cami}

lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways 

{praising, working, singing, cooking, cleaning}

acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight

{thank you, God for this promise – oh how I need it today} 

Her Strength

We sat in the tiny room behind the nurse’s station with the geneticist, our nurse, the pediatric doctor, our good friend {and nurse}, Angie. The geneticist pulled out a diagram and began to explain that our daughter was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I felt like a child sitting at the “grown-up table”, not understaning all the words that were coming out of his mouth. We had never heard of T18 and had no idea the severity until I heard Angie crying and turned around to see her brokeness.

That was the moment I knew something was wrong.

As quickly as the thought of “why us” entered my mind, the Holy Spirit covered that thought with, “thank you, God for this gift you’ve given us.”

{Oh, Holy Spirit, that you will always quicken my mind with holy thoughts and that I will always listen.}

 The first words said when the doctor was done speaking, were Angie’s. “Let’s pray right now.” She began to lift our daughter up to the very throne of God. I will never, ever forget that day.

That moment.

Her strength.

Letter to Ana

Three of the kiddos are sick at home today, so we thought it would be a good time to do some writing & coloring to send to Ana.

 

It is important for us to focus on the beautiful things that can come from hurt.

And something beautiful today is thinking of Ana & her family.

The pain of missing Lulu still comes on strong & hard many days & sometimes the choice to focus on something good is just not there. So when we can choose joy over pain, we want to make that choice.

 

SHINE

We took the kiddos to SHINE {Share His Incredible News Everywhere}.

Our church has a community outreach after the traditional trick or treat, where we hand out candy as you go through different stations sharing stories of Jesus {this year the stories were all about the 10 commandments}.

It really is an incredible thing.

D – the gangster

O – black spiderman

S – incredible hulk

A – our little dragon

Last year we went & took Lulu . As we walked through this year, it was {as with so many things right now} just “different”. I know in my head we need to continue making new memories, but I feel in my heart that I want to hang on to the past & not move forward.

Here are the kiddos from last year.

As Lulu was tucked away in her stroller.

We had a big bow to wrap around her, she was our gift. She slept right up until it was time to go through SHINE and then she woke up to eat, so I got to stay inside the warm church and feed and cuddle Lulu, while daddy took the other kiddos through.

Dear Lulu,

My thoughts are filled with you so often these days as I think about you being here on earth with us. I see a pregnant mama & think about you being in my belly. I see a newborn & I think of holding you at the NICU. I see a 1-year-old toddling around & think what you would look like today.

 

I wonder if that is how Christ thinks of us, longing desperately to hold us but waiting patiently for the day.

 

Lulu’s Blanket

Most of Lulu’s things, including this white fuzzy blanket that she snuggled in, is kept in Boo’s closet. {She loved to be snuggled up warm}

 

Well, Boo pulled it out & has started snuggling with it, too. {And even though she’s grumpy, she loves to be snuggled up warm, too}

 

It’s good for us to see Lulu’s things & continue to use them daily. 

Family Pictures by Wes

                                                            

We had our family pictures taken by Wes (if you’re interested in having your own photo shoot with him, now is the time – he takes some great pics and the price is right).

The “Lulu Bears” are the ones we had made, out of Lulu’s blankets & clothes, for the kids last winter.

I will soon share some of my cousin’s fall family photos and how they chose to keep their son, John’s memory alive in their pictures.

 

 

Thoughts of Lulu

Last year at this time we had our little baby girl at home with us. Learning to live in the moment with her. Celebrating everyday.

Sometimes it feels like an eternity ago that I held Lulu in my arms & other times it feels like it was just yesterday.

Such a tiny piece of hope & joy & love for us to be able to share.

I wake up some mornings & think, did this really happen to us? Do we have a daughter that we will never see grow here on earth? How could this all be real?

That is when I start to focus on myself.

My own hurt & my own sadness & my own wants.

And then God…

He gently reminds me that He is enough. He is the 1 constant in my life. He will never ever go away.

And my love for Him swells.