Stepping-Stones

I wanted to show you how the stepping-stones turned out…

Here’s Lulu’s tree…

And the stepping-stones…

Don’t they look like the little heart candies you get for Valentine’s Day?

I think they are so cute!

Summer Past/Summer Present

Last summer I was pregnant.

Last summer we took the kiddos to a drive-in movie.

Last summer we played in the water.

Last summer we went to camp.

Last summer I had never felt grief.

This summer we will do a lot of the same things…

watch movies

play in the water

go to camp (it is Owen’s first year & he is so excited)

eat ice cream

go on vacation

cuddle in bed in the mornings after daddy leaves for work

And as far as our grief? Today I am leaning on the scripture that says…

“”So with you, now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22

Monday’s Devotion

I wanted to share my devotion this morning. It comes from “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.

“Rest with me awhile. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.”

That is all I want to do today is to TRUST in Him, so that His healing PEACE can flow out over me.  This is my journey with Him. Grief can be a selfish place, because grief is so personal to each individual. And sometimes I have to focus on my own grief & what it looks like to me, because it doesn’t look the same to anyone else, not my husband, not other mothers that I have met who have their babies in heaven with Lulu, not my family, not my friends. It is the same as my personal relationship with Jesus. It is my journey with Him. What is He teaching me? What changes are being done in me? Who is the person He wants me to become? No one else can answer that, not my husband, not my family, not my friends.

So even though it is completely personal, it is something that I can share. And I want to share it, to let people know that in our deepest grief (whatever that may be to each individual) our deepest relationship (with Jesus) can continue to flourish.

 

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life.” Psalm 143:8

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15

Peace

I woke up this morning and felt such a peace – a peace that can only be given to me by my God and I know that peace poured out over me, because of you. Not only have you sent such encouragement to me in your emails, your texts, and your phone calls, but I know your prayers are covering our family like a blanket.

Thank you for your continued support in this weary time.

 

Blowing Bubbles for Lulu

9 months ago tonight my little girl you were born into our family and 9 months ago tonight my little girl our hearts exploded with so much love for you. I was so excited when I found out we had another girl AND that we would get to name you Lulu Grace, have I told you how much I love your name? It is so beautiful…as you are.

Tonight we went to get some things to make your stepping-stones we will put next to your tree at the playground. I found this pink bird and oatmeal heart soap that reminded me of you…hearts & birds. You have always reminded me of a little bird. So I scooped them up & brought them home.

Daddy worked on the small heart-shaped stones. I can’t wait to put them out at the memory garden.

Today as I think about 9 months, I think about the 9 months that you were in my belly & how wonderful it was for me to have you so close to my heart. Just know, Lulu, now you are in my heart forever. I love you my little Lulu Grace.

Dear Lulu

 

Dear Lulu,

My sweet baby girl, I need to write to you tonight, nothing else will do. I need to tell you a few things that I am feeling. I am broken, deeply. My tears continue to fall and I long to hold you for just one more moment, to kiss your fuzzy cheek, to watch you sleep with one eye part-way open. Sometimes at night, I imagine you are sleeping next to me on my pillow and I hear your daddy snoring and it reminds me of the little snoring sounds you made, as you slept. I look at Owen’s dark dark eyes and see how much your eyes are like his. I look at Boo’s perfect little nose and it makes me think of your perfect little nose, placed just right on your face. I hear Dylan singing a song and think about him holding you and singing to you. I hear Simon ask me questions, and it reminds me of all the times he asked to hold you in his arms. I miss you Lulu, so much, I miss you.

Weekend

I recently read a quote… “Crying is not a sign of weakness…it is a sign that you have been stong for too long.”

This past weekend was a tough one for me.

We celebrated Father’s Day – which was good.

But it was a weekend that I couldn’t figure out what I needed.

I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want to be with people, either.

I took my time, minute by minute.

And cried a lot for my little girl.

 

Sometimes when it rains, I feel like all the earth is crying with me.

And missing Lulu with me.

Missing You Lulu

Oh little girl, I am missing you so badly tonight.

I saw a mommy who has a little one at Dayton Children’s and all I could think of was you.  I am missing you, sweet baby.

I look at the clouds in the sky and wonder if they look the same from where I am sitting and where you are sitting.  And I am missing you, my Lulu.

I watch as your siblings learn new things and even though we go on, I want the world to stop spinning.  Oh how deeply I miss you.

I sing a song and all the words have different meanings now.  And I miss you.