“I miss her all the time”

Owen said, as he snuggled down in our sheets trying not to hear the thunder that was crashing outside our window. It was 10:30 pm and all the other kiddos were dreaming away in their beds. I had been reading a blog of a young family who just had their 3rd baby, a little girl named Nora Rose.  She, too has Trisomy 18. Our friend, John had sent me the link and as I looked at the photos of this 2 week old beautiful baby, I could see Lulu’s face. I don’t know this family, but as I look at her mama in the photos, I cry tears of joy for her baby girl she is holding and I cry tears of grief for my baby girl that I wish I could hold for just a little longer. And then I look at Owen, tears running down his cheeks, missing his sister still and that’s when he said, “I miss her all the time”.

It’s a journey that never ends.

 It changes.

The paths are different now. They pull from us in a way that we are still not familiar with, we are not used to. They make us think more – work more – carry more.

And then someone says, “I miss her”

“I think about her so often”

“When I see bubbles, I think of Lulu”

“I will be forever grateful to have held your baby”

To know that our daughter is loved so much. That she is still a part of so many lives. I can barely whisper, thank you.

Thank you, for sharing your thoughts of her.

Thank you for letting us still cry.

Thank you for asking us how we are and letting us honestly answer.

It feels like a game sometimes…

You take 1 step forward…

And then your next move?

4 steps back…

The great thing about this life?

We WILL get HOME…

‘In My Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am.’ John 14:2 

He holds us

This is His promise to us…

When we are asking why,

He holds us.

When we are missing our loved ones,

He holds us.

When our jobs are driving us crazy,

He holds us.

When we feel alone,

He holds us.

When we want to hold our baby,

He continues to hold us.

Do you feel His arms around you today?

Amazing Grace

Grief is stinging this morning. Stinging my face like the wind on a bitter cold day.

{Amazing Grace How Sweet The Sound}

My brain understands that our bodies weren’t made for this world. But my heart just doesn’t get it today.

I am still in shock.

My heart is broken for Connie’s family.

Broken!

{That Saved A Wretch Like Me}

And it’s broken for us all over again.

{I Once Was Lost, But Now I’m Found}

I see your sweet wife, your beautiful mother, and your amazing mawmaw. And my brain says ‘Cami, she is in the place with no more pain, no more tears, forever rejoicing. The place she was created for. The place WE ALL were created for.’ And yet I can’t understand how we won’t see her here anymore.

My brain knows.

My heart does not.

{Was Blind But Now I See}

And all the while in this deep disbelief, He says ‘this grace that I have is for you, this grace is constant and this grace is amazing.’ 

God, I don’t understand, I don’t get it.

Please remind my heart who You are, today.

Please.

Friday Praise & Prayers

‘I am with you & for you. You face nothing alone – nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world & leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: fix your eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day & all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today’s is set before you! Receive today’s gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly & delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.’ – Jesus Calling

This is for me today, I am sitting here in our warm, safe, beautiful  house. Watching Boo jump from couch cushion to cushion. She’s not thinking about our next house. Not concerned about our house selling. Not wondering when the ‘right one’ will come along.

But I am. I am using my thoughts to bog down my mind with worry. Worry that is not helping the situation at all. And worry that is keeping my thoughts off of God.

But Boo,

 She is playing…

laughing…

enjoying her moment here.

Isn’t it amazing how little ones can teach us a thing or two?

This is how I am going to change my thoughts…

 praising God for being with me right here, right now.

He IS enough.

Today I am praying for 2 of my friends that lost their mother 1 year ago on Monday.

And my sweet friend from Texas whose young son has been gone for 2 years, on Monday.

{I luv you, Teri}

I am praying for a friend that lost her husband a year ago on Wednesday.

You all will be in my prayers this weekend, as I know sometimes the’ leading up to dates’ is just as difficult as an actual date.

What are your prayers & praises today? And if you get a chance, let a little child teach you something new today.

Yesterday I met with a young mother her recently lost her 2 year old son. Our hearts connected instantly.

Last night I went with my Grief Share group to see ‘We Bought A Zoo’. This morning I am still processing different parts of the movie.

Even though I choose to do these things {and I think they are good for my healing}…

It can get emotionally heavy.

And when my heart is heavy, I’m not always sure what I need.

But this morning I knew what I needed.

And I got to spend a few extra minutes here…

Thanks babe for continuing to care for me.

Letters to Ana

We got another letter from Ana this past week.

She told us about her family & what she likes to do for fun.

So now it’s our turn to send her some love.

They made little paper presents for her this weekend…

D made her a beautiful 3D snowflake…

O worked on a cross that you fold open…

And these 2, colored pics for her {mermaids? – sure, why not?}…

Praying for Ana as we think of Lulu, especially today.

Hope

Last year I chose a word to focus on & to study. His peace is what I what I needed {and still long for} every day as I walked that first year. The last month or so I felt God was placing the word “Hope’ in different areas and reminded me that in all my sadness & brokenness, He still is my only hope. I am believing this year, I will find a new hope in God as His peace continues to pour out over my scarred heart.

I saw this saying on a church sign last week & thought how fitting for Peace & Hope to be intertwined, just like in my life.

He Offers Peace Eternal

And then Shelly brought me this Hope box yesterday.

It will be my reminder to look for this word & choose Hope in my life for this new year.

“We live by what we know, not how we feel”…

Our pastor shared this line yesterday in his sermon and it has been ringing in my ears since. Someday’s are easier to live by that. Someday’s it becomes a choice. The past week was a heavy one, most definitely, with daily up and downs.  At times we choose to stay in and quiet ourselves and give in to the grief that was so overwhelming. Other times we smiled through our tears and saw brightly the blessings that our life is filled with. It is a “see-saw” life right now, to say the least. But it is our life. I believe that God gave us our emotions {and yes, He generously blessed me}, not to rule our lives but instead to help us feel His GREAT love.

We know in our head His promises He has given all of us.

Choose to live by those.

We feel in our hearts His deep, wide love for us.

Choose to feel it pull you in close today.

“Jesus Calling” give-a-way

“Beware of seeing yourself through other people’s eyes. There are several dangers to this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you. Moreover, their views of you are variable; subject to each viewer’s spiritual, emotional, and physical condition. The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry. Your concern to please others dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator.

It is much more real to see yourself through My eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze, and you will receive deep Peace. Respond to My loving Presence by worshipping Me in spirit and in truth.”

{ Hebrews 11:6}  {John 4:23-24}

–Sarah Young “Jesus Calling”

When my mornings start off like this, it tends to be a better day.

As you probably know by now, I have not found a more real devotional book for me than “Jesus Calling” and so I want to share it with you.

Just leave me a comment of when you like to take time to be alone with God.

Is it in the morning, before you start your day?

Is it in the afternoon, to refocus yourself?

Is it at night, thanking Him for all His blessings throughout the day?

I’ll randomly pick a person from the comments over the weekend and get you the book, so you can start enjoying it, too.

see the winner here