Birthday Decorating

We’re decorating around here for our baby’s birthday.

She will be 2 on Sunday.

Celebrating somewhere else.

And that is really hard for me.

The flower’s are still so beautiful, Aunt Sue.

I have been selfish this week. Not concerned about what God has done for me, but instead why life is so hard? Why can’t Lulu be here with us? Will it always hurt this bad? Why are memories the only thing I am holding?

And then the guilt sets in.

We are so blessed. There are so many people who luv us. Why am I complaining?

It is a crazy ride and I just want to yell at the carnie to stop and let me off!

The back and forth is enough to make anyone go crazy.

Today, would you say a prayer? A prayer for anyone that has suffered a loss. Say a prayer for yourself {hasn’t everyone lost something}. Say a prayer for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

“I miss her all the time”

Owen said, as he snuggled down in our sheets trying not to hear the thunder that was crashing outside our window. It was 10:30 pm and all the other kiddos were dreaming away in their beds. I had been reading a blog of a young family who just had their 3rd baby, a little girl named Nora Rose.  She, too has Trisomy 18. Our friend, John had sent me the link and as I looked at the photos of this 2 week old beautiful baby, I could see Lulu’s face. I don’t know this family, but as I look at her mama in the photos, I cry tears of joy for her baby girl she is holding and I cry tears of grief for my baby girl that I wish I could hold for just a little longer. And then I look at Owen, tears running down his cheeks, missing his sister still and that’s when he said, “I miss her all the time”.

It’s a journey that never ends.

 It changes.

The paths are different now. They pull from us in a way that we are still not familiar with, we are not used to. They make us think more – work more – carry more.

And then someone says, “I miss her”

“I think about her so often”

“When I see bubbles, I think of Lulu”

“I will be forever grateful to have held your baby”

To know that our daughter is loved so much. That she is still a part of so many lives. I can barely whisper, thank you.

Thank you, for sharing your thoughts of her.

Thank you for letting us still cry.

Thank you for asking us how we are and letting us honestly answer.

It feels like a game sometimes…

You take 1 step forward…

And then your next move?

4 steps back…

The great thing about this life?


‘In My Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am.’ John 14:2 

He holds us

This is His promise to us…

When we are asking why,

He holds us.

When we are missing our loved ones,

He holds us.

When our jobs are driving us crazy,

He holds us.

When we feel alone,

He holds us.

When we want to hold our baby,

He continues to hold us.

Do you feel His arms around you today?

Amazing Grace

Grief is stinging this morning. Stinging my face like the wind on a bitter cold day.

{Amazing Grace How Sweet The Sound}

My brain understands that our bodies weren’t made for this world. But my heart just doesn’t get it today.

I am still in shock.

My heart is broken for Connie’s family.


{That Saved A Wretch Like Me}

And it’s broken for us all over again.

{I Once Was Lost, But Now I’m Found}

I see your sweet wife, your beautiful mother, and your amazing mawmaw. And my brain says ‘Cami, she is in the place with no more pain, no more tears, forever rejoicing. The place she was created for. The place WE ALL were created for.’ And yet I can’t understand how we won’t see her here anymore.

My brain knows.

My heart does not.

{Was Blind But Now I See}

And all the while in this deep disbelief, He says ‘this grace that I have is for you, this grace is constant and this grace is amazing.’ 

God, I don’t understand, I don’t get it.

Please remind my heart who You are, today.