Today is the day, but not the date.

Two years ago, today. The day that I woke up and my daughter did not. Today is the day, the day before Thanksgiving {one of my favorite holiday’s – the day we give thanks}. And even though Lulu’s heaven birthdate is not until Saturday, today is the day that the loss has hit me.

Hard.

Sometimes, it feels like two separate days that we lost her.

I received this email today and wanted to share it. It is the words I feel, but cannot put into words. Thank you, Cindy.

Hi Cami,    As I watched you and Janie go forward for prayer Sunday night, I remembered that you have an anniversary date coming up. Again, when I saw you at the preschool Thanksgiving dinner, I recognized the look on your face as my own… the one when you’re trying so hard to be a part of what’s going on around you, but you can’t break through that invisible wall that separates you from everyone else.

I know the feeling of wondering how the earth can still be spinning–how can the sun keep coming up and going down. Our worlds have been rocked so violently, and yet others continue to go through life, as if nothing has happened. Don’t they know? Can’t they tell that something has been shattered? And the aftershocks continue rocking our worlds even as we too go through the motions of life. But life can never again be “normal” for us. We have a new normal, and sometimes it just feels so wrong.
Just know that you’re not alone. We are members of a club no one ever wants to join. But I know your grief, even though our circumstances are so different, and I understand. And I am praying for you today.    Love, Cindy

There’s not a day or date that goes by that I don’t think of you and miss you, Lulu.

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Birthday Thanks

This year was a difficult birthday. And I still don’t know exactly why. Maybe there is no reason {or maybe a multitude of them} for why I felt the way I felt. But that is what I have reminded myself of…those are feelings.

Feelings that are real, but feelings that I can’t base her birthday on.

The truth is, Sunday was a BEAUTIFUL day- full of sun and hope and peace.

I struggled the week before with feelings of guilt for not having everything planned out, even though I didn’t know exactly what to plan out. I think with having so much change this summer, and I still don’t feel ‘settled’ yet. I didn’t want to miss making 1 memory for Lulu because I was so preoccupied. I had to remind myself that just like with the other kids, if we had other things going on during their birthday’s, we would still celebrate them, even if it was a different day.

We started Sunday with church and the kids all wore a special shirt…

Then we came home to play with Lulu’s birthday present…

Meet September.

Our 3 month old Goldendoodle.

That afternoon we all headed off to D’s soccer game. And afterwards we celebrated with Marion’s pizza and a chocolate chip cookie cake and singing happy birthday to Lulu.

From yellow balloons, to cards, calls, hugs, texts, roses in bubble containers, $2 bills, a strawberry pie candle, texts, email’s, mum’s, a song written just for Lulu, and bubbles. We had friends celebrating with cake & ice cream from California to covering us in prayer in New Jersey. And we did get to eat my strawberry ‘soup’ pie {thanks for renaming it, babe}. Yes, we had to eat it with spoons again this year. And I will figure out a recipe one year that works. But it was delish.

Thank you for continuing to make memories with us. Because those memories are real. Our feelings change from day to day. But the luv that you all share is real.

Thank you for luving our daughter with us.

Birthday Decorating

We’re decorating around here for our baby’s birthday.

She will be 2 on Sunday.

Celebrating somewhere else.

And that is really hard for me.

The flower’s are still so beautiful, Aunt Sue.

I have been selfish this week. Not concerned about what God has done for me, but instead why life is so hard? Why can’t Lulu be here with us? Will it always hurt this bad? Why are memories the only thing I am holding?

And then the guilt sets in.

We are so blessed. There are so many people who luv us. Why am I complaining?

It is a crazy ride and I just want to yell at the carnie to stop and let me off!

The back and forth is enough to make anyone go crazy.

Today, would you say a prayer? A prayer for anyone that has suffered a loss. Say a prayer for yourself {hasn’t everyone lost something}. Say a prayer for me, I would greatly appreciate it.